Ashitare's Story: The Unedited Truth
by Purple Mouse
Summary: A rather different Episode 33, from Ashitare's point of view. Strange topic for a humor fic, of which I'm well aware... ~.^;;


Disclaimers: I own NOTHING ****

Disclaimers: I own NOTHING!!! 

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Warnings: Episode 33 Spoilers!! 

All right, let me set one thing straight, just in case: I literally _bawled my eyes out _when I saw the infamous Episode 33 (well…maybe not _literally_, that's kinda gross, huh?). I react similarly when I: a) see any screen cap at all taken from Episode 33, b) hear the song 'Inoru You ni Aishite'ru,' which plays during the intro to Episode 34, in which they explain the events which took place in Episode 33, c) watch Episode 32, because I know the next episode will be Episode 33. So I've spent a lot of money on Kleenex because of Episode bloody 33. I am _not _a hard-hearted, bitter person who mocks a _very moving, very well-done _episode because she's mean and enjoys laughing at people when they die. NO. This is _not me_. I'm just trying to be funny!!! Right, I just had to make that clear. ^_^

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Other Warnings: This is weird and mildly WTH? (= "What the hell?" as in, "What on earth was that Purple Mouse chick smoking when she wrote some parts [notably the end] of this thing??") In my defense, it's 2:00 in the morning!! ^_^ sowwy. Anyhoo, hope you like it anyway.

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Ashitare's Story: 

The Unedited Truth

Well, it all started one lovely morning in Hokkan; I had just woken up and was really craving a nice spot of tea and a crumpet or two. But then that nasty smarmy blonde fellow grabbed me and sat me down.

"Look," he growled, "the Suzaku Seishi are _here_, and I need you to go pick a few of them off. All right?"

"It's bloody _not _all right!" I exclaimed. "You don't just go _picking people off_ as if they were germs, or something! Just how uncivilized _are _you, you pompous ass?!"

He didn't appear to enjoy my adversity, and glowered.

"Don't you give me that look, Nako," I warned, shaking my teaspoon at him. "I have a fearsome temper."

"It's _Nakago_," he said firmly.

"Care for tea?" I offered, raising the pot in an invitation.

Nako gave me a dark look, then relented and said, "Well, maybe a bit."

I obliged him. "Sugar?"

"Please."

When we had finished with our breakfast—alas, no crumpets to be found in this barbaric frozen wasteland!—he repeated his desire for me to use my unfortunate physical appearance to go stir things up with the Reddies.

"Oh, all _right_," I gave in, exasperated, after the twelfth time he threatened to sing a tasteless and corrupted version of _Don Giovanni _should I refuse his entreaty. "I'll _go_."

So I went. Honestly, the man had _no _respect for culture. He'd be singing _Hamlet: Prince of Denmark_ to the tune of risqué Kutou drinking songs next.

As I approached the village, I checked my dossier files for information. "Let's see: '1) Small child with whistle in shape of marijuana leaf. 2) Large man with vocabulary consisting of medicines and names of dead women. 3) Young girl (Note: Miko!), prone to self-destruction, compulsive overeater. 4) Heroic heart-throb, possible Tourette's syndrome involving name of said young girl. 5) Blue-haired monk possessing total power over anti-gravitational abilities of hair. 6) Spastic pyromaniac teenager, possible victim of freak dental accident. 7) Androgynous emperor, left at home with imperial babysitter and impossibly cute stuffed bear. 8) Purple-haired person, enjoys throwing heavy objects at members of team.' Well, that's just _smashing_," I grumbled, slipping the dossier into my briefcase. "Let's get going, shall we?" 

Naturally, everyone noticed me at once. I'm rather hard to miss. It's not _my _fault, I'll have you know! I'm as much a victim as anyone; the lads at school always used to tease me, and…well, anyway. I saw the young girl almost straight off. So I did my 'Evil Rabid Wolf-Man' bit, growling and snarling, not really intending to hurt her, just to scare her away. But _just my luck_, the one who liked to bloody _throw _things was right alongside her, and he went and chucked a bloody _flare _in my eye. 

Now, in retrospect, I can't say I blame the lad. I might have done the same thing, were I confronted by myself. But good Lord, it smarted like the devil, and sent me running back to camp. (The _real _rub was that I'd just had reconstructive eye surgery in Leikanu…another thousand dollars down the drain!)

Right-o, here's where it gets a _bit _muddled. Apparently someone leaked out that old Nako had his whip to me when I returned, to which I _must _protest. As if I'd ever let the bloody man treat me in such an _audacious _manner! But that's poetic license for you. What _really _happened was the following:

"I say, Nako," I said, after rinsing my eye out with a handy bottle of Bactine, "that didn't go so well at all, what."

"Blast it," he replied in a monotone. (Let me note that if ever a man was in need of mood-stabilizing drugs, Nako was quite possibly the neediest.) "You'll just have to go tomorrow and ambush them at the top of the mountain where the Shinzaho is kept."

"Oh, you bloody mullet-haired _twit_!" I exclaimed. "You _impossible_ freak of nature! Can't you see that it won't make a _bit _of difference?! The only result of this will be to potentially get me _killed_, and _then _who would mend your cape when it frays, hmm?? That strange little levitating gnome??"

He was miffed. "I'll have you know, I can take care of _myself_, thank you very much."

"Oh, _please_!" I scoffed. "Without me, you'd still be wearing _Velcro_ on your bloody boots!!"

"Shut _up_," Nako hissed, eyes darting around, turning a delicate pink color.

"You know, I could _easily _become the leader of this little blue band of yours," I informed him sternly, "but the truth is, I just haven't the time _or _the patience. I'm still writing that book on Foucault, you know, so…"

"_I'm _the leader!" He stomped his foot. "Come onnn, people always follow the handsome guy! Haven't you ever read _Lord of the Flies_??"

"I'm _not _having this discussion with you," I insisted. "Listen, if you want me to go to the bloody flaming mountain, I'll go to the bloody flaming mountain! You'll get _exactly _what you want, just like you _always _do, you little megalomaniac."

I had no intention _whatsoever _of fighting any Phoenix Followers. I was going to _calmly _state my case, tell them what Nako was up to, and retire to the country to do research. _Let _the bloody man think I'd been killed; see where it got _him _in the long run!

SO…the next afternoon, I trekked up the mountain. Who should I find there but the same little purple-haired fellow who'd had at me the day before.

"You _again_?" he exclaimed in surprise, then assumed a boxing stance. "Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you with me, Wolf Man!"

I rolled my eyes. Damn it all to hell. "Look…" I began, "there isn't any chance we can talk this over, is there?"

The boy stared at me. "Excuse me?"

"Well, this…all this _fighting_." I smiled sheepishly. "It's awfully _violent_, isn't it? Couldn't we just have a nice chat?"

He dropped his arms and scratched his head, confusion etched on his face. "Er… you're suddenly very polite for a…rabid werewolf."

"You'll find I'm actually quite cultured," I assured him. "I read Victorian novels. I take in operas. Would you like to hear an aria from…"

"No, that's….that's all right," he said quickly, sounding tired, still puzzled as hell. "So, umm… you're the pacifist Seiryuu seishi, then?"

"Well, I wouldn't call myself a _pacifist_," I explained. "I just think unjustified wars are a waste of lives, time, and resources, don't you?"

"Hn," he said.

"Anyhow," I plunged on, "Nako told me to come up here and kill you, but I _really _don't see the necessity in all that…I'd rather just warn you that he's up to something and be on my merry way."

"No, but…wait!" He appeared distressed.

"Whatever's the matter?"

Reaching inside his tunic, he drew out a pile of papers held together by string. "We have to fight! We have to kill each other, in fact! It's right here in the script!"

I trundled over and read the few passages he pointed out. " 'Ashitare claws Nuriko through the back'… 'Nuriko flips around and crushes Ashitare's…' Oh, bloody hell," I sighed.

"Look, I'm really sorry, honestly," said Nuriko. "I mean, _I _certainly don't want to die. Not as messily as this, either…" he shuddered. "But we can't just ignore the _script_. It's…it's…" he fumbled for words, "it's…the _script_."

"Oh, dear." I sat cross-legged in the snow, propping my head up with my hand. "We're in a tight spot."

He joined me. "Yeah."

We sat there for what seemed like ages, trying to think of what to do.

"Lemon biscuit?" I offered, pulling a box of them from my briefcase.

"Thanks," he said, accepting one and nibbling it thoughtfully.

There were a few more moments of silence.

"Well," Nuriko sighed, "there's only one thing I can think of that we can do."

"What's that?" I asked, excited.

"We can call Taiitsu-kun, and she can fix the whole thing," he said firmly. "I have a funny feeling I've got to be out of the picture…though Suzaku knows _why_," he muttered under his breath, "but I'd just as soon not bite it with a claw-sized hole in my chest."

"Understandable," I agreed. 

"Unfortunately, that might mean _you _have to die, too," he continued.

I considered this. "Hmm. Well, since you're being so noble about the whole situation…if we can make it so that you don't have to crush my bloody head, I'd be willing to accept a similar fate."

"Really?" he said.

"Certainly," I said, extending my paw. He shook it warmly.

"Now all we have to do is find Taiitsu-kun," he mumbled. Then, his face brightened, and he yelled with echoing force into the valley below, "_Hey, Sand Witch! Is that your face, or was the Emperor of Kutou just playing with his make-up kit again??_"

"_WWWHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAT????_" screamed the giant, angry face which suddenly appeared in front of Nuriko.

"Heh heh…I was just kidding," the boy squeaked. "J-just trying to get you up here, uh, T-Taiitsu-kun!"

The thing immediately shrunk down to almost minuscule proportions."Hmm, well, what do you want?" she said grumpily.

Although appearing somewhat disappointed by our proposal ("And I was so looking forward to seeing you two duke it out!"), she agreed when she saw that it was the only way to go, since we were now quite firmly opposed to killing each other. We both went quite calmly, and had a knock-out time in the afterlife playing chess and Guess Who until duty called us back once more. The way it translated to the screen was much more romanticized, and, if I may say so, a very powerful, poignant end for poor Nuriko… while the effect on my own character was, ahem, perhaps a bit lacking. BUT, it's over and done with. I'm nearly finished with my bloody book, after which I shall promptly be reborn.

My only regret is that they edited out the Velcro on bloody Nako's boots. They could have at least given me that _small _favor. Oh well; c'est la vie.

THE END 

~.^;; Yeahh…told you it got kinda weird at the end…


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